I killed McQueen...

Lightning McQueen, that is...

He was driving me crazy! With those big white eyes always staring at me when I walked by. And that goofy smile...cars are not supposed to smile! He would sit in the corner of our dining room and scare me at night when I least expected it. I waited and waited for him to die on his own but he simply wouldn't. 31 days he lived. 31 days too long. I had to do it.

When Kaleb went to sleep on Friday, I saw my opportunity. Maybe he wouldn't even notice. So I took out my scissors and I did it. It was fast, he didn't even scream that much.

Good-bye Lightning...you were so good to my boy but you had to go.



And Kaleb didn't even notice he was gone....



until he threw away the wrapper to his fruit rope. Oops!

Labor of Love

I always laugh when I watch those scenes in movies where a woman's water breaks and she immediately starts contracting every 2 minutes like it's time to start pushing.
I guess in the interest of time, I get it...but it still annoys me.
My experience was MUCH different than that.

Around noon on Saturday, July 24th, I was helping carry baby shower gifts to my friend Meghan's car when it happened. Yes, I was at a baby shower when I felt a trickle run down my leg. My first thought was...
oh great! Am I really at that point in my pregnancy that I am starting to pee on myself??
Then it occured to me...I can't stop this pee! Maybe it's not PEE at all!!

I remember looking at my friend, Liz and saying "I think my water just broke!"
And that was all I remember...the rest was a blurred mixture of screams, gasps, Ashley looking up my skirt to see if it did infact break (this I didn't find out until later!ha!) and ended with Meghan driving my car to my house for me so I could go to the hospital.

I couldn't get ahold of Alf b/c he had turned off his ringer so he and Kaleb could enjoy an afternoon nap.

**Note to husbands out there: TURNING OFF YOUR PHONE WHEN YOUR WIFE IS 9 MONTHS PREGNANT AND COULD POP AT ANY MOMENT IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA.

When I walked in the door and Alf heard what happened, he freaked. I don't know who was more nervous/anxious/excited...him or me! Before I knew it, water was gushing all over our dining room floor, Kaleb was with Liz and we were headed to the hospital. (Thank you Liz!!)

Once we checked in at Mercy-Gilbert, the nerves settled and we had a nice little conversation with a couple in the waiting room. I was wheeled back into an exam room and waited for the interrogation to begin. The questions they ask you are so bizarre. I remember thinking...would they be asking me this stuff if I was in very active labor? Because they would probably hear some choice 4 letter words for answers.

I totally forgot I still had a beach towel stuck in between my legs until a nurse pulled it out and said...I don't think we'll need this anymore. Then she proceeded to give me a mattress pad to put between my legs. Those bad boys mean business...nothing is getting past those!
Alf and I talked and laughed, we sent some texts, talked to nurses and I had yet to have a single contraction. When I heard the word "Pitocin" I knew that was about to change....this was about 3:30pm.

About 4pm I was hooked up to a Pitocin drip and the contractions started almost immediately. I tried to lay back and relax and Alf started a movie in our room. I didn't get through 15 min of it before I started feeling the contractions. After the second one, I called the nurse and asked if I could have an epidural. (I know, I'm a total weenie!) I was already dilated to a 4 so she was happy to oblige.

The anesthesiologist was a DREAM...so gentle and very cute to boot! Then, after he gave me the happy stuff he asked if he could pray with us. Ummm, YES! His prayer was so perfect and it was exactly what I needed to help me feel grounded and prepare myself for labor. After he left, it wasn't long before I was dilated to a 7.

And then, it started.

First it was just a little itch on my tummy. Then I started itching on my back. Then it became uncontrollable itching all over my body. I scratched and scratched until my skin was raw. I called in the nurse and told her what was going on. She said I was having an allergic reaction to the epidural and she could give me benadryl for it but it could affect Kieran. I wasn't up for anything affecting my little man, so I suffered through it. She wet a rag for me and I just kept wiping my tummy (which was where it was the worst). My whole body was red from me scratching and I really could've hurt myself considering I couldn't tell how hard I was scratching from the waist down!

It seemed like the nurse only came back in a couple more times before she said it was time to start pushing. I couldn't believe it. But I've only been in labor for like 5 hours....it's only 9:30pm. How can it be time to start pushing?
I was in labor for almost 26 hours with Kaleb, so you can imagine my amazement :) (yes, you read that right, TWENTY SIX HOURS. good times.)

I pushed for only about 20 minutes and he was out. His big eyes were the first thing I saw. He had them open so wide and when they put him on my chest, he was just staring at me, not making a sound. Everything else faded to black...I couldn't believe he was here. He was wrinkled, he was tiny, he was perfect. I instantly fell head over heels for him. He was so relaxed and so sweet. His demeanor has yet to change. He is such a chill baby. I can't wait to see his little personality, to watch him grow and change. I know it will fly.
And with this being our last, I will try to slow down. Try to take it all in.
The gurgles, the smiles, the baby smell. (sigh)
I could just eat him.

I mean, in just 3 short months, he has already gone from.....

THIS



TO THIS....

My little slice of heaven on earth

He has tiny dark hairs on his ears, the softest skin on his feet and dimples that will one day drive the girls crazy.

And he's mine.

I'm so in love.
He sleeps well, he eats really well and he seldom cries. He snuggles, he squeaks and if you kiss his lips, he will open his mouth wide and kiss you back. (at least that's what I tell myself but I know he really just wants more boob:-) He's the sweetest thing ever and I couldn't be more happy.
It has been a whirlwind of emotions for the past almost 3 weeks but one thing I do know is that I already can't imagine my life without this little dude.

In my last post, I was very apprehensive about his arrival. I was anxious about how he would fit into our family and if I'm honest, about how he would fit into my heart.
But in this short amount of time, he has wedged his way in and I am one changed Momma. I look at Kaleb and my heart bursts at how much I love him and I still deal with the guilt of completely changing his world. But he has already taken to Kieran and is so loving with him. He already is and will be such a great big brother.
I can't wait to see them interact, become buddies and watch their brotherly bond grow.

In fact, it's already started...



PS...stay tuned for my labor story-it's a good one!

final countdown

It's 9:39pm on Friday night and I'm 10 days out from my due date. I have had roughly 20 contractions off and on all day. There for a few hours they were pretty consistent and I started to panic. It's really about to happen. If not today, someday and someday SOON!

If I am honest, there is still a part of me that wants to hold onto this life I know now. Just me, Alf and Kaleb.

We have it down....

We know each other. We get each other and it...well, works.
Kaleb is so easy now. He sleeps well, he eats well, he's almost potty trained and he's just plain fun.
Selfishly, I'm not ready to give myself up to someone else. To give up my body to crazy pain and recovery, to give up my sleep, my routine, my comfort. I keep telling myself it will be easier this time, that I won't experience the same pitfalls and problems.

But I'm scared.

My mind is catapulted back to 2 1/2 years ago and the anxiety creeps in. I try to push it away but it wants to stay like an unwelcomed guest.
The first few months of Kaleb's life were very difficult for me, for us. We didn't adjust well quickly to being new parents and I don't think I ever fully dealt with those emotions. And now here I am, only DAYS away from giving birth to another little one and it's hitting me. hard.

This is just one of the many things I have to give over to God, b/c I have no control over what's about to happen. The only thing I have control over is how I react to what happens.

In my heart, I know that everything in the end will be fine. That I will power through it and we will love this little man just as much as we love and adore Kaleb. It's just the process of getting to that point.

I feel guilty even rereading what I've typed but I had to get it out. I have to be real. I have to be me.

Your Hands by JJ Heller

I can't stop listening to this song...what a comfort to know that no matter what we go through, we are forever held in God's hands.

Pho Sho!!

Kaleb wants to use chopsticks for everything and when I say everything...I mean, even his waffles. So when we introduced him to the Vietnamese dish, Pho, he was on it like white on rice.
Any excuse to use chopsticks and slurp soup, please!
This is a pic of him at our new fave place, Cyclo. There is an old woman that works there and she LOVES Kaleb. She always comes up and touches him and then sits down close to our table and stares at him the whole time. It's so sweet and creepy all at once.
I hope he always has an interest in trying new foods b/c that is so important to us both. You can learn so much about different cultures by their foods.
Cyclo is a must in our restaurant repertoire and if you've never been....you must!
And say hello to the old woman for Kaleb :)