It's 9:39pm on Friday night and I'm 10 days out from my due date. I have had roughly 20 contractions off and on all day. There for a few hours they were pretty consistent and I started to panic. It's really about to happen. If not today, someday and someday SOON!
If I am honest, there is still a part of me that wants to hold onto this life I know now. Just me, Alf and Kaleb.
We have it down....
We know each other. We get each other and it...well, works.
Kaleb is so easy now. He sleeps well, he eats well, he's almost potty trained and he's just plain fun.
Selfishly, I'm not ready to give myself up to someone else. To give up my body to crazy pain and recovery, to give up my sleep, my routine, my comfort. I keep telling myself it will be easier this time, that I won't experience the same pitfalls and problems.
But I'm scared.
My mind is catapulted back to 2 1/2 years ago and the anxiety creeps in. I try to push it away but it wants to stay like an unwelcomed guest.
The first few months of Kaleb's life were very difficult for me, for us. We didn't adjust well quickly to being new parents and I don't think I ever fully dealt with those emotions. And now here I am, only DAYS away from giving birth to another little one and it's hitting me. hard.
This is just one of the many things I have to give over to God, b/c I have no control over what's about to happen. The only thing I have control over is how I react to what happens.
In my heart, I know that everything in the end will be fine. That I will power through it and we will love this little man just as much as we love and adore Kaleb. It's just the process of getting to that point.
I feel guilty even rereading what I've typed but I had to get it out. I have to be real. I have to be me.
1 comment:
Good for you for venting! :)
I don't know very many people that do the newborn thing well. I think we just all go through the motions, doing what we we can in our sleep deprived states. My advice would be to keep praying and lower your expectations as much as you can. A newborn when there's already another child to care for is another animal all together but God will sustain you. I remember thinking I couldn't take another step without collapsing of exhaustion and then somehow I would feel refreshed by something little that someone would say or do. I think I can, I think I can... just repeat with me ;) Big Hugs, Danaly
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