That Saturday was the best day. In fact, it was one of the best days I have had in a really, really long time. Not because of any spectacular occurrence but mainly because of the realization I had.
It started out with a family photo session at Freestone Park with my friend, Liz. She is so easy to be around and just makes me laugh. Kaleb was totally in his element so he was extremely cooperative and cute as could be. The pictures all turned out so great.
That afternoon, I decided to brave the mall for a MUCH needed shopping trip. I hurried from store to store almost like something was after me. It was the first time I had been shopping by myself in ages and I was not about to let any cute top/dress/shorts or shoes go unnoticed.
After about an hour, I started to drag....so I made my way to the food court. As I inhaled my lunch, I paused to notice all the people around me. Most were families, tyring to feed their kids lunch and chasing them around the food court simultaneously. I couldn't help but be joyful that I was without child, peacefully enjoying my sodium rich mall food and not having a care in the world (except maybe how big the shoe sale was going to be at Nordstrom's).
Then there were the "others", sitting alone watching the chaos unfold around them. I started to wonder what their lives were like...do they have a significant other, a child at home just like me or were they really all alone? Was this their Saturday outing only to step foot back into a home, quiet and empty?
As I finished up my shopping that day and headed home, I couldn't stop thinking about those people. Did they choose that life? Was it chosen for them? Would they rather just be alone than have to deal with the struggles of taking care of a family?
In some ways, for a moment I must admit-I envied them. Only having to think of themselves, being able to do whatever they want to do anytime they want to do it. No nap schedules, no diapers and no resistance from a spouse. Just free....
I drove and drove and lost myself in thought. I also turned up the radio really, really loud because that's what I can't do with my monkey in the car. I pulled into the driveway and prepared myself to be a wife and mom once again, putting my needs aside and thinking mostly of my boys. Upon entering the house, I heard the squeal of 14 month old and saw the smile of an amazing man. All the envy for those people quickly dissipated.
I was home. It was not quiet, it was far from empty and yet I felt incredibly free...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
The last couple of months in pictures....
So we have been a busy bunch these past couple of months. We had Grandma visit, Kaleb's Auntie Jen (one of my best friends I have known since I was 4), we also went to the Desert Botanical Garden to see the Butterfly Exhibit and Chihuly (The Nature of Glass) and the Phoenix Zoo. It has been so much fun!!
Brace yourself-there are a lot of pics! Enjoy!
Brace yourself-there are a lot of pics! Enjoy!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Just a swangin'....(as they say in Texas)
My friend Krista took this pic of Kaleb and it cracks me up everytime I look at it. I wish I could feel like he looks in this pic every single day.....
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Long overdue
I haven't written anything in a very long time...I guess I've had a writer's block of sorts. But I feel inspired enough to stay up and share so here goes:
It was pitch black. The only light in the room was a strip that gently fell over his forehead, eyes and nose. He was beautiful.
Every night I make a habit of going into Kaleb's room to say one last good night, pray over him and let's be honest here-stare somewhat stalkerish at him like only a Mother can do. This night was different. Usually Kaleb sleeps on his tummy or on his side with his head buried in a blanket or in the belly of his new lovey, Spot. (A dog my Mom gave him over Christmas.) But tonight he was face up in the middle of his crib with his arms spread open wide and his legs in a jumbled mess somewhere below. I smiled as I nestled my chin onto the cold wood. I knew I would be here awhile.
I thought back over the past few weeks...his teething pain, his fussiness, the sleepless nights and worst of all, a tired me losing my patience. again. I struggle so much with the idea that someone else depends on me. My feelings of inadequacy and guilt surface easily at times like this. Sometimes I wonder why God would entrust me with something this big, this profound.
As these thoughts swirled in my head, I suddenly found myself leaning in to get a closer look at him. Not far from his face, I took a deep breath in. If innocence and perfection had a scent, I had just inhaled every ounce of it. He smelled of purity and of hope. It was a smell that had yet to be tainted by this world and it was a smell I never want to forget. Then I snapped back to reality and decided I should probably pull back b/c the thought of him waking up to a face two inches from his is just plain creepy for anyone...no matter how old you are.
As I continued to gaze at him from the side of his crib, I blinked and felt a tear fall onto his fleece sleeper. At that moment I had a realization...this is exactly how God looks at me. He sees His child, full of hope. He looks at me lovingly every day just hoping that I will respond to Him. Yes, I have been tainted by my own sin and the sins of this world, but nonetheless, He sees me as a perfect creation in His eyes.
The tears began to flow from my cheeks and I had to leave his room. After I got back to my room, I cried harder and harder. These tears had been waiting a long time to surface. I think I had been so wrapped up in trying to be the best Mom for Kaleb, caring for him, teaching him and loving him that I had somewhat began to lose myself. I hadn't allowed myself to be loved and to be cared for by my Heavenly Father in some time. As I lay there quietly sobbing, I let the love in and God embraced me with peace. A peace that only He can provide.
The next morning when I got Kaleb from his crib, I felt different. I felt refreshed. I could engage with him fully, completely and lovingly. I remembered that I, too, was just a child of God.
There is a saying that goes "In order to get love, you have to give love."
I have come to believe that the more you allow yourself to receive love, in the end, the love you are able to give out is just that much sweeter...
It was pitch black. The only light in the room was a strip that gently fell over his forehead, eyes and nose. He was beautiful.
Every night I make a habit of going into Kaleb's room to say one last good night, pray over him and let's be honest here-stare somewhat stalkerish at him like only a Mother can do. This night was different. Usually Kaleb sleeps on his tummy or on his side with his head buried in a blanket or in the belly of his new lovey, Spot. (A dog my Mom gave him over Christmas.) But tonight he was face up in the middle of his crib with his arms spread open wide and his legs in a jumbled mess somewhere below. I smiled as I nestled my chin onto the cold wood. I knew I would be here awhile.
I thought back over the past few weeks...his teething pain, his fussiness, the sleepless nights and worst of all, a tired me losing my patience. again. I struggle so much with the idea that someone else depends on me. My feelings of inadequacy and guilt surface easily at times like this. Sometimes I wonder why God would entrust me with something this big, this profound.
As these thoughts swirled in my head, I suddenly found myself leaning in to get a closer look at him. Not far from his face, I took a deep breath in. If innocence and perfection had a scent, I had just inhaled every ounce of it. He smelled of purity and of hope. It was a smell that had yet to be tainted by this world and it was a smell I never want to forget. Then I snapped back to reality and decided I should probably pull back b/c the thought of him waking up to a face two inches from his is just plain creepy for anyone...no matter how old you are.
As I continued to gaze at him from the side of his crib, I blinked and felt a tear fall onto his fleece sleeper. At that moment I had a realization...this is exactly how God looks at me. He sees His child, full of hope. He looks at me lovingly every day just hoping that I will respond to Him. Yes, I have been tainted by my own sin and the sins of this world, but nonetheless, He sees me as a perfect creation in His eyes.
The tears began to flow from my cheeks and I had to leave his room. After I got back to my room, I cried harder and harder. These tears had been waiting a long time to surface. I think I had been so wrapped up in trying to be the best Mom for Kaleb, caring for him, teaching him and loving him that I had somewhat began to lose myself. I hadn't allowed myself to be loved and to be cared for by my Heavenly Father in some time. As I lay there quietly sobbing, I let the love in and God embraced me with peace. A peace that only He can provide.
The next morning when I got Kaleb from his crib, I felt different. I felt refreshed. I could engage with him fully, completely and lovingly. I remembered that I, too, was just a child of God.
There is a saying that goes "In order to get love, you have to give love."
I have come to believe that the more you allow yourself to receive love, in the end, the love you are able to give out is just that much sweeter...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
He Walks
Oh my gosh! I just totally realized that I have been updating Facebook with all of Kaleb's latest stuff, but totally slacking on my blog. Sorry!
For all you non-Facebookers....Kaleb is officially walking as of this past week!! If he has to get somewhere fast he will resort back to the old faithful crawl but most of the time he walks around like a drunk Frankenstein.
Will post a video soon....
Thanks for reading!!
For all you non-Facebookers....Kaleb is officially walking as of this past week!! If he has to get somewhere fast he will resort back to the old faithful crawl but most of the time he walks around like a drunk Frankenstein.
Will post a video soon....
Thanks for reading!!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Terrible Ones?
Ok so here we are, 1 week and 1 day away from Kaleb's BIG DAY....he's turning the big O-N-E!! I can't believe it. In the midst of all the excitement, I am beginning to notice quite a change in my little dude. He has been very aggressive lately. Ok, REALLY aggressive lately. Things like....slapping the spoon away from his mouth, grabbing Oliver and Zilla and pinching them until they yelp, hitting his Mommy in the face and laughing (that one I just LOVE!) and then there was today. Hmmmm, we'll call it a great lesson for the both of us.
I knew the day was shot when he woke up at 5 am and had absolutely NO interest in going back to sleep. none. I finally gave him a bottle about 6:15 and he settled back down for about 45 min. All throughout the day, he would just get fussier and fussier and then in the early afternoon, it happened. A total baby breakdown.
I was on the phone with my Mother and Kaleb decided he wanted to say hello to Grandma by grabbing the phone. Well, let's be honest-that's cute for about 2 min. and then ok, it's time for Mommy to chat again. Oh no. When I took the phone away from him it was like I ripped his right ear off. He threw himself down on the floor kicking and screaming with tear drops the size of Texas rolling down his cheeks. I tried to distract him with another toy, coax him with an afternoon bottle and carry him around to calm him down. NOTHING worked. I had to put him on the floor and let him be....there it was-unfolding before my very eyes. My baby boy was big enough for his first tantrum.
All I can say is...WOW. If they handed out an Oscar for the lead role of maddest baby he would've won hands down. I was at a loss of what to do. Afterall, I'm a new Mom. I don't know about these things. not yet. I thought kids didn't start doing this stuff until maybe two, three if I'm lucky. But one, ONE?? He's still supposed to just be cute and cooperative. (ha, you experienced Mothers are laughing, right?) I finally mangaged to wrangle him close to me and hold him. He was still crying but the kicking and screaming stopped. Then, just as soon as it started-it stopped. He was talking and pointing at things out the back window. Like nothing had ever happened. He needed to get some stuff out and then, he was over it. I guess it shouldn't have shocked me that bad really. I mean, I act like that every once in awhile only I try to use words instead. Kaleb just doesn't have words. not yet.
I read in one of my favorite books, My Baby's First Year, that tantrums are actually a healthy part of growing up. They mean your baby feels comfortable enough to "express" their emotions with you. They feel safe.
Well, Kaleb must feel extra safe with me :)
I knew the day was shot when he woke up at 5 am and had absolutely NO interest in going back to sleep. none. I finally gave him a bottle about 6:15 and he settled back down for about 45 min. All throughout the day, he would just get fussier and fussier and then in the early afternoon, it happened. A total baby breakdown.
I was on the phone with my Mother and Kaleb decided he wanted to say hello to Grandma by grabbing the phone. Well, let's be honest-that's cute for about 2 min. and then ok, it's time for Mommy to chat again. Oh no. When I took the phone away from him it was like I ripped his right ear off. He threw himself down on the floor kicking and screaming with tear drops the size of Texas rolling down his cheeks. I tried to distract him with another toy, coax him with an afternoon bottle and carry him around to calm him down. NOTHING worked. I had to put him on the floor and let him be....there it was-unfolding before my very eyes. My baby boy was big enough for his first tantrum.
All I can say is...WOW. If they handed out an Oscar for the lead role of maddest baby he would've won hands down. I was at a loss of what to do. Afterall, I'm a new Mom. I don't know about these things. not yet. I thought kids didn't start doing this stuff until maybe two, three if I'm lucky. But one, ONE?? He's still supposed to just be cute and cooperative. (ha, you experienced Mothers are laughing, right?) I finally mangaged to wrangle him close to me and hold him. He was still crying but the kicking and screaming stopped. Then, just as soon as it started-it stopped. He was talking and pointing at things out the back window. Like nothing had ever happened. He needed to get some stuff out and then, he was over it. I guess it shouldn't have shocked me that bad really. I mean, I act like that every once in awhile only I try to use words instead. Kaleb just doesn't have words. not yet.
I read in one of my favorite books, My Baby's First Year, that tantrums are actually a healthy part of growing up. They mean your baby feels comfortable enough to "express" their emotions with you. They feel safe.
Well, Kaleb must feel extra safe with me :)
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