Creepy Tale for your Saturday

****Warning: This story is not for the squeamish****

Dedicated to my friend, Krista, who I am sure shares the same disdain for these creatures as I do.

A couple of weeks back I made a remark to Alf that went a little something like this..."Wow, honey-here it is almost August and we haven't had that many scorpions in the house." That's a little something in literature that writers like to refer to as foreshadowing. Well, the Scorpion King must've overheard my statement and last weekend, he made up for his absence.

For those of you that don't live in AZ or for those of you that do live here and just have never had the pleasure of seeing one these nasty creatures, you're probably thinking-where does this girl live? What is wrong with her house?? Well, let me tell ya...when the previous sellers put "Some scorpions" on the seller disclosure form they must've been talking about the neighbors house across the street. These disgusting pests come out EVERY summer from the open lot behind our house and they come out with a vengeance. Last weekend, they did just that.

Alf and I usually stay up later on the weekends b/c one of us gets up with Kaleb and lets the other one sleep in. So last Friday night about 11pm we were headed off to bed and of course as soon as I lay my head on the pillow, mother nature came a knockin'. I got up to go to the bathroom and usually I just turn on the closet light b/c it isn't as bright. But on that particular night I turn on the bathroom light so it's much brighter in the bathroom. Since I had already gotten into bed, I didn't have my glasses on so I could only see probably about 1 ft in front of me. I am sitting on the toilet and I look back on a shelf behind the toilet for the toilet paper. (We have to put the roll up high or else Kaleb can unroll the entire thing in about 30 seconds flat) The toilet paper wasn't there so I look beside me and see the roll sitting on top of the dispenser. As I go to grab the toilet paper I notice something moving on it. Since I can't see anything...I lean in to take a closer look and a scorpion is perched on the first sheet of paper with his stinger ready to strike!! (pause for gasps)
My first reaction was to scream but then for some strange reason I thought it would make it like leap out at me or something (scorpions can't leap by the way) but like I was thinking rationally at this point. So I just freeze. I call for Alf in a surprisingly calm voice and I tell him I need his help. I am sure he's thinking...help you, how? Off the toilet??
I quietly tell him there is a scoprion on the toilet paper and when I stand up I need him to take the paper and flush it down the toilet. In true Alf form, the scorpion killer that he is...he does just that and acts like it's as benign as blowing his nose. I, on the other hand, am a total wreck at this point and I start playing the "what if" game. What if I hadn't turned on the bright light? What if the toilet paper had never been taken off the dispenser? I probably would've never even LOOKED at it before I grabbed it. What if it didn't sting my hand, but stayed on the paper and ended up stinging me somewhere else?? Yeouch.
As I am asking Alf a million questions, I see him move his eyes toward the ceiling. "NO!" I scream as I run out of the bathroom. Yep, it's another one. Taunting us from up high, Alf leaves to get a broom to knock it down into our bathtub. As soon as it hits the tub, it starts crawling around like a crazy person. Alf smashes it and washes it down the drain never to be seen again.
I didn't sleep a wink that night. Every little movement felt like a scorpion crawling on me. I was so freaked out and disgusted. Then I started to get mad. REALLY mad!!
So I've decided to send this little message to the Scorpion King, wherever he may be:

How dare you come into MY house and make me feel this way. How dare you threaten me and my family with your venomous stinger and your freaky quickness.
You may have sent your little minions to start this battle, but you will never win the war. With black light and blow torch in hand, we WILL find you and we WILL burn you alive. Then we will take your ashes and spread them all around our property so that others will know if they try to breach our walls, they too, will meet the same fate.
The Garcias have SPOKEN!

(Ahem) Woah, got a little carried away there. Can you tell I don't like scorpions?
So tonight when you go to the bathroom, I hope you'll think of me.
And always, always make sure to look before you pee!!