The Guilt Train

I think when the doctor handed me my beautiful, bundled baby boy at the hospital that day she also managed to slip me a one-way pass on the guilt train…
Am I feeding him enough? Am I reading to him enough? What if he doesn’t socialize well with others b/c I don’t expose him to enough other babies early on? If I don’t speak 17,000 words to him on a daily basis, he will be a mute. (Yes, I actually thought that as insane as it seems.) But then again, I think all Moms are on that train in some way or another, even if they don’t know they are. One day we think we are about to take a step off when something else happens and we step right back on for another spin. My most recent trip on that train involved taking Kaleb to the nursery.

I knew the day would come when I had to put Kaleb in a nursery at our church and I knew it would tough on him and me. I decided that day would be this past Sunday, the 17th. It was Alf and I’s 6 year anniversary and we wanted to enjoy the church service without any “distractions” we’ll call him. You see, my son is not like most babies, he doesn’t sleep in public or chill in his carseat and take in the world around him. If he is awake, he is either eating, pooping, crying or screaming/laughing with joy. At church, he usually chooses crying or screaming with joy and the previous Sunday other church-goers were none too happy with his cute little baby squeals.

So I reluctantly told Alf to do the deed and take him b/c I couldn’t bear to watch. He was asleep in his carseat when we arrived and we both knew that wouldn’t last long. Then I just pictured him waking up and seeing all these weird people and screaming his barely there hair right off his little head. Ah, the agony. Since he was sleeping, I made myself go with Alf to drop him off. At least I wouldn’t have to see his tear-soaked eyes desperately peering at me as I walked away. As we were leaving, I braced myself for my own waterworks to begin. The panic to set in…..it’s coming, right?

As I nestled into my seat for service, an amazing thing happened. I felt good. REALLY good. I could clap with the music. I could sing the songs. I could even raise my hands if I were feeling a wee-bit Pentecostal. I could hold Alf’s hand. I could stand up without a baby permanently pasted to my hip. Here I am sitting in my chair at church with my firstborn stuck in a room full of strangers and all I wanted to do was throw my head back like Mel Gibson’s character in Braveheart and yell, “FREEDOM!”
What is wrong with me? Am I a bad Mom? Do I not care enough about Kaleb’s well-being?

Uh oh, there it comes again, chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo……..
STOP! I yell at myself (in my head of course). I wasn’t going to jump back on. Not this time. And then, moments later it was almost as if the pastor was speaking only to me. He said, “the best gift you can give your children is to love God and to love your spouse.” I take a deep breath, grab Alf’s hand and listen to the rest of the message with an ease I hadn’t felt in some time.

When we picked up Kaleb from the nursery, he was crying. I said, “Oh no, did he cry the whole time?” When the young girl looked at me and said that he had just started to cry and that he had been smiling and laughing the whole time, my eyes welled up with tears. As I took him in my arms, I kissed his little chubby cheek and we walked out the church doors as a family. On the drive home, Kaleb just stared at me and smiled. I pictured that guilt train making it’s way toward me and the conductor yelling, “All aboard?!” I reached over and grabbed Kaleb’s tiny little hand, gave it a kiss and whispered, “Not today.....”

Alf and KK

Alf and Kaleb have become pretty good buds and I think these pics of them are just too adorable! They are from when we were in San Diego but I forgot about them b/c they were on Alf's IPhone.

BBQ at Julies

My friend, Julie had a Couples Night out at her house this past Saturday and it was so great to see everyone! We had to get a pic of the Mommies with their babies:




Me and K, Julie and baby Quinn and Ashley with little Luke!

Mmmm good

Well we recently started Kaleb on his first solid foods and it's been an experience to say the least! He doesn't like anything the first time he tries it, but then in a few days he gets over it. Here are some action shots: (check out that Buddha grin in the last photo, ha!)

Feet stompin' good time

Alf recently discovered how much Kaleb loves it when we stomp our feet, so I had to get it on video. Pls excuse the camera work, I guess I should've placed the camera on a table or something, but hey-I'm not a professional.

Latest pics

just chillin'...


The exersaucer is his friend.


The pee pee towel is a must after bathtime!


I spend $ on toys, what does he LOVE to play with? water bottles.


All nice and cozy...


Lovin' the toes!

More Pool Time!!

I have such sweet friends that let Kaleb and I come and hang out with them and swim in their pools. He just loves it and is already such a little fish. Here are a few pics of us at my friend Lara's pool: