L-O-S-T

I have lifted up every cushion, every toy, every bed skirt, looked in every drawer, every cabinet and every corner.....
Alf sorted through the trash, checked all the diapers in the diaper pail (yikes) and well, it's just gone.
I realized today that I don't even have a photo of it. It's now just a memory of a commitment I made almost 7 1/2 years ago.

Goodbye wedding ring. Maybe someday we will meet again...
But for now, I will file a claim for you and buy something else sparkly and new.
Don't worry though, you'll always be my first.

What's in a Name?

When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't even consider picking out a boy name. Stupid, right? I was so set on having a little Sophia, there was no reason I needed to have a boy name waiting in the wings. There was ONLY a 50% chance of having another boy anyway. ;-)

Well, one penis and a pair of testicles later...here we are!!

Alf and I knew immediately we wanted another K name. Why?
Because we are cheesy like that.
After all, Alf and I are AG squared so we wanted the boys to be KG squared!

We looked on website after website, thumbed through baby name books and finally stumbled on a name that we both immediately loved. Not only because it's not a name you hear everyday but also because of it's meaning.

So here it is.....we are excited to meet baby

KIERAN!!

He will be our little ray of light...

Saying good-bye to Sophia

This week has been...quite a week. An emotional see-saw of sorts.
We found out on Tuesday that we are having another boy. While this news brings great excitement to our family, it also brought me an unexpected amount of tears.

Like 4 days of tears.

Not because I don't want a boy, of course, but because I now know that I won't ever have a girl. We are done having children after this baby boy is born.
Even though I kind of always knew in my heart of hearts that I would have two boys, I still held out hope for a little Sophia. A little baby girl to call my own.
My friend Ashley said it so perfectly...you can separate the love you have for the life growing inside you and the grief you feel for the girl you won't ever know.

As soon as I got up from the table after the sonogram, I went in the bathroom and cried. And trying to pee in a cup while you are crying your eyes out is not easy, ladies! I knew I would be sad, but I didn't really know how sad I would be. It just felt so final...so matter-of-fact. Probably because it is.

I pulled myself together to go back into the waiting room to meet up with my boys. Alf kissed me and asked if I was ok. I lied and told him I was fine.
Later that night I broke down again. I knew at that point that this would be a much bigger struggle for me than I had anticipated. And here we are 4 days later and the tears still come easy.

I know I need to let myself feel the way I feel and not feel guilty about it, but I do. There are so many people that would love to have one healthy child, much less two, no matter what the sex. But my reality is different than anyone else's and I know that these feelings will eventually pass. It will just take time.

For now I will allow myself to grieve...
I will let go of the hope of sharing a mother-daughter relationship, I will give away the two dresses that I kept in the new baby's closet (just in case), I will stop looking at mixed-Asian girls and wondering if that is what Sophia would look like, I will tell her good-bye and tuck her away in my dreams. For good.

For the record, I think she would've gotten Alf's dark skin and silky, black hair and she would've been a knockout! ;-)

Yummy! (lick)

Yummy! (lick)

I could have watched him eat his cupcake all night. He savored every lick of the icing.

"Momma, you some?" he offered. "No baby, it's ok. I'm having too much fun watching you eat it."


When I went in to get him from his crib the morning before (his actual birthday), he was already awake and in a very good mood. I took the four red balloons from my arms, tossed them into his crib and shouted, "Happy Birthday, Kaleb! You are 2 years old today!!"

He smiled and said "Ba-oots!" (balloons) He loves balloons. Every time we are anywhere (Target, Wal-mart, Fry's) he manages to find that one stray balloon stuck on the ceiling in the corner of the room and questions how it got so high. I knew balloons for his birthday would be a major hit.

I took him into the kitchen to get his morning milk and he smiled when he saw his Happy Birthday banner hanging on the wall.
"Momma, dat mine?" he asked. "Yes, that's yours. It says, 'Happy Birthday'. Do you like it?"
"Pufect." he answered.
That conversation will forever be etched on my heart. What a sweet response from a sweet little birthday boy.

The rest of the day consisted of a playdate with my Mom's group and their little ones where we had cake and sang happy birthday to him. He was delighted. (Oh and I have to mention, the cake was not just any cake...it was made with love by his Daddy! It was red velvet with vanilla icing and it was good!)
When we went home, I let him open a couple of gifts. But for the rest of day, he only wanted to play with his ba-oots. (of course)

The following day was his birthday party. All of his buddies were there...there was pizza, cupcakes and pure mayhem. Just as a 2 year old's birthday should be. Everything had come together so well and I couldn't have done without the help of my hubby and my girlfriend, Janae. Thank you both so much!! It was such a great birthday party!

When I watched him down his 2nd cupcake that night, I starting reminiscing about the last couple of days. It came and went so fast. I tried to make mental notes of all the things I didn't want to forget...
His face, his voice, his excitement and his laughter. He will never be this age, this way again. I started to tear up as I glanced back at him, still enjoying that cupcake. I hope I can make every birthday, every year, special for him. So that when he thinks back about times like this, only one word will come to mind...

PUFECT.

A look back...

Our baby boy is one week and 3 days away from celebrating his 2nd birthday.
His 2ND birthday!!
Where did my baby go?
The coos, the little hands and feet, that big bald head...

Honestly, the baby phase was not my favorite time.

This....THIS is my favorite time.



We have conversations.
He laughs at my funny antics and I laugh at his.



He helps me take care of the dogs with a few extra treats.



He even shares his Dolce Vita mango sorbet with me. And for an almost 2 year old, that is how you express your love without ever having to say it.

I love you my precious baby boy.
I can't wait to celebrate another year of your life.

Juice Anyone?

Doctors say you should eat your fruits and drink your veggies. Well, we have definitely been eating our fruits but veggies-not so much.
Until now...

We got a JUICER!!
And I love it! It's a Breville and it's so easy to use. It's also easy to clean and if you so desire, you can save the pulp it creates and use it in breads or other yummy recipes. (so I haven't gotten to that part yet, but give me some time!;-)

Here was our first juice recipe:

4 Granny Smith Apples
3 Carrots
3 Celery Stalks



And here was the result:



About 20 oz. of sweet goodness...yum!
Kaleb however was not so thrilled. After taking a sip, he said "I no like that."
Mmmm, maybe something sweeter next time.

I love V8 juice so I decided to try to make my own and this is what the recipe called for:

2 large tomatos
1 cucumber
1 bunch parsley
3 carrots





The result was NOT V8!! It was thin and bitter, I think from the parsley and Alf and I both had to choke it down.
Why? Because that's what you do when you just destroyed $10 worth of produce. ;-)

Now I need help! Anyone have a fruit/veggie combo that they love?
I am thinking of trying a strawberry, pineapple and carrot mix next.
I think Kaleb would love that one-bring on the sweet!!

Lame

Lame.
That's the word I would use to describe myself lately.
I don't cook, I certainly don't clean. I haven't made much of an effort with my friends lately and my husband told me tonight that he was going to go get ingredients at the store so he could make himself some banana bread and fresh pico de gallo. (not together, of course) He knew I wasn't going to do it! Poor guy.

*Sigh*

Honestly, all I want to do is sit on the couch and sleep or eat. Let me put it this way-it took an act of Congress for me to do just two loads of laundry today. Oh and the second load is still in the dryer.
But, I have an excuse....really I do.

There's a baby in my belly!!

Yep, I am 12 weeks preggo. Baby Garcia debuts on Aug 2nd, give or take some days. And although I have managed to escape the extreme nausea I had while I was pregnant with Kaleb, I still feel like I have been hit by a bus for most of the day.
The good news is I should start feeling more like myself soon because I'm entering my second trimester.
But for now, my house will remain dirty, my husband will stay hungry and my couch cushions will have my butt imprint temporarily etched in them.

And you know what? It's ok. For now. It know it won't last forever.

I will let myself relax, eat and dream of what this baby will be like. I will watch Kaleb play and think about what a good big brother he will be. I will take long naps with him and read him lots of books. I will sit next to him while he watches Wonder Pets and watch him smile at all his favorite parts. I will pick out moments in each day and vow to never forget them.
Actually, I can't think of a better way to spend this time.

Although I could clean up a little ;-)