Long overdue

I haven't written anything in a very long time...I guess I've had a writer's block of sorts. But I feel inspired enough to stay up and share so here goes:

It was pitch black. The only light in the room was a strip that gently fell over his forehead, eyes and nose. He was beautiful.

Every night I make a habit of going into Kaleb's room to say one last good night, pray over him and let's be honest here-stare somewhat stalkerish at him like only a Mother can do. This night was different. Usually Kaleb sleeps on his tummy or on his side with his head buried in a blanket or in the belly of his new lovey, Spot. (A dog my Mom gave him over Christmas.) But tonight he was face up in the middle of his crib with his arms spread open wide and his legs in a jumbled mess somewhere below. I smiled as I nestled my chin onto the cold wood. I knew I would be here awhile.

I thought back over the past few weeks...his teething pain, his fussiness, the sleepless nights and worst of all, a tired me losing my patience. again. I struggle so much with the idea that someone else depends on me. My feelings of inadequacy and guilt surface easily at times like this. Sometimes I wonder why God would entrust me with something this big, this profound.

As these thoughts swirled in my head, I suddenly found myself leaning in to get a closer look at him. Not far from his face, I took a deep breath in. If innocence and perfection had a scent, I had just inhaled every ounce of it. He smelled of purity and of hope. It was a smell that had yet to be tainted by this world and it was a smell I never want to forget. Then I snapped back to reality and decided I should probably pull back b/c the thought of him waking up to a face two inches from his is just plain creepy for anyone...no matter how old you are.

As I continued to gaze at him from the side of his crib, I blinked and felt a tear fall onto his fleece sleeper. At that moment I had a realization...this is exactly how God looks at me. He sees His child, full of hope. He looks at me lovingly every day just hoping that I will respond to Him. Yes, I have been tainted by my own sin and the sins of this world, but nonetheless, He sees me as a perfect creation in His eyes.

The tears began to flow from my cheeks and I had to leave his room. After I got back to my room, I cried harder and harder. These tears had been waiting a long time to surface. I think I had been so wrapped up in trying to be the best Mom for Kaleb, caring for him, teaching him and loving him that I had somewhat began to lose myself. I hadn't allowed myself to be loved and to be cared for by my Heavenly Father in some time. As I lay there quietly sobbing, I let the love in and God embraced me with peace. A peace that only He can provide.

The next morning when I got Kaleb from his crib, I felt different. I felt refreshed. I could engage with him fully, completely and lovingly. I remembered that I, too, was just a child of God.
There is a saying that goes "In order to get love, you have to give love."
I have come to believe that the more you allow yourself to receive love, in the end, the love you are able to give out is just that much sweeter...

He Walks

Oh my gosh! I just totally realized that I have been updating Facebook with all of Kaleb's latest stuff, but totally slacking on my blog. Sorry!
For all you non-Facebookers....Kaleb is officially walking as of this past week!! If he has to get somewhere fast he will resort back to the old faithful crawl but most of the time he walks around like a drunk Frankenstein.
Will post a video soon....
Thanks for reading!!

Terrible Ones?

Ok so here we are, 1 week and 1 day away from Kaleb's BIG DAY....he's turning the big O-N-E!! I can't believe it. In the midst of all the excitement, I am beginning to notice quite a change in my little dude. He has been very aggressive lately. Ok, REALLY aggressive lately. Things like....slapping the spoon away from his mouth, grabbing Oliver and Zilla and pinching them until they yelp, hitting his Mommy in the face and laughing (that one I just LOVE!) and then there was today. Hmmmm, we'll call it a great lesson for the both of us.

I knew the day was shot when he woke up at 5 am and had absolutely NO interest in going back to sleep. none. I finally gave him a bottle about 6:15 and he settled back down for about 45 min. All throughout the day, he would just get fussier and fussier and then in the early afternoon, it happened. A total baby breakdown.

I was on the phone with my Mother and Kaleb decided he wanted to say hello to Grandma by grabbing the phone. Well, let's be honest-that's cute for about 2 min. and then ok, it's time for Mommy to chat again. Oh no. When I took the phone away from him it was like I ripped his right ear off. He threw himself down on the floor kicking and screaming with tear drops the size of Texas rolling down his cheeks. I tried to distract him with another toy, coax him with an afternoon bottle and carry him around to calm him down. NOTHING worked. I had to put him on the floor and let him be....there it was-unfolding before my very eyes. My baby boy was big enough for his first tantrum.

All I can say is...WOW. If they handed out an Oscar for the lead role of maddest baby he would've won hands down. I was at a loss of what to do. Afterall, I'm a new Mom. I don't know about these things. not yet. I thought kids didn't start doing this stuff until maybe two, three if I'm lucky. But one, ONE?? He's still supposed to just be cute and cooperative. (ha, you experienced Mothers are laughing, right?) I finally mangaged to wrangle him close to me and hold him. He was still crying but the kicking and screaming stopped. Then, just as soon as it started-it stopped. He was talking and pointing at things out the back window. Like nothing had ever happened. He needed to get some stuff out and then, he was over it. I guess it shouldn't have shocked me that bad really. I mean, I act like that every once in awhile only I try to use words instead. Kaleb just doesn't have words. not yet.
I read in one of my favorite books, My Baby's First Year, that tantrums are actually a healthy part of growing up. They mean your baby feels comfortable enough to "express" their emotions with you. They feel safe.
Well, Kaleb must feel extra safe with me :)

Rockin' out and tossin' peas

Kaleb loves to rock out in his high chair and pretty much does it every day. It's so cute that I just had to get it on camera. Well, this particular day he had just about had enough of his peas. check it...

Quite the personality

So Kaleb has always had a great personality ever since he started smiling, but recently....wow is all I can say. The last two times we have taken him out to eat he will wave at anyone that walks by, flirt with all the waitresses and if there is a baby/small child anywhere in a 20 ft. vicinity he proceeds to yell and wave until that child acknowledges him. For example, we ate at Pei Wei the other night and there was a baby about 2 tables over. Kaleb would not even eat his food (which if you know Kaleb is very strange for him) b/c he was so busy trying to get this baby to react to him. The other baby wasn't having any of it and it drove him CRAZY. Needless to say, we left shortly after :)
Don't get me wrong, I love it that we have a social baby but I must be honest-I miss those days that we would take him out to eat or to the nursery and he would just quietly observe things from afar...
His recent faves for food are: Edamame, peas, green beans, strawberries, pizza crust and vanilla ice cream. (in moderation of course)
His recent faves for toys are: his activity table, his plastic PF Changs cup, his big Tonka truck that he pushes all over the house, his stuffed puppy Spot and of course, the real puppies. God bless em' they still want nothing to do with him-maybe that will change soon. doubtful :-~

Pine Lakes Park

Wow, I am actually updating this thing two days in a row!! Back in business...
So a group of my friends all got our hooligans together at the park on Friday and we had such a great time! My friends Liz and Julie took some great photos of Kaleb and I and all the babes together while we were there! Here are a few...

Happy New Year!

How long until you can no longer say Happy New Year...I guess it's still alright on Jan. 9th, right? Well, it's been a long time since I last updated. I've missed you all! I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Years! Although our Christmas was plagued with the stomach bug (yuck!), it was still great getting to spend time with family and friends. One of the highlights of our trip was getting Kaleb dedicated at the church I grew up attending, First Baptist Church. It was so incredibly special to me to have his dedication there b/c that is the same sanctuary where I was baptized almost 18 years ago!! He was quite a ham the whole time and when the pastor held him up in the air to present him to God, he grinned from ear to ear! Our boy doesn't like to be the center of attention at all! ha!